When my children are older…
Will they know how I watched them sleep some nights, praying over their sweet little souls? Will they know the sound of their even, heavy breathing through the monitor was all I needed to feel settled and “okay” at the end of my day?
Will they know the guilt I felt for feeding them macaroni and hot dogs three nights in one week near the end of that long month?
Or that I felt like a pushover for letting them eat lollipops in the car so they’d be quiet?
Will they know how it made me just as sad to take away story time when they misbehaved? That it was my favorite part of the day too?
Will they know how excruciatingly hard it was to be patient when nice things got broken or dinners got wasted? Or how I cried in the shower and beat myself up for days when I had failed to be so patient?
Will they understand that I always took so many pictures of them, for fear I would forget their sweet little smiles when they got older and their mouths less sweet?
Will they know that I needed that extra kiss goodnight just as much as they did, even though I fussed and sent them swiftly back to bed?
Will they know how hard it was some mornings to go to work instead of stay home and play? But that some Monday mornings I thanked God I got to walk out the door… and then felt guilty for feeling that way once I was at work?
Will they know that I told stories about them and looked at pictures of them just to get through a work day sometimes?
Will they know that I was so annoyed at letting them “help” with the chores, because it inevitably took so much longer and made a bigger mess? But that I did it (and all sorts of other stuff) just to see them smile or teach them something new?
Will they ever fully understand how proud I am to be their mommy when I see them being kind to each other or to others?
Will they know I think they are smart and handsome even when they aren’t acting like it? And that I have their back even when they’re wrong? That if someone tried to hurt one of them I’d go Lohan psycho in a millisecond?
Will they know I always tried, even when it wasn’t such a great day?
Will they know that I feel like the most important person in the world just because I’m their mommy, but at the same time not good enough?
Will they know how much they are ingrained in my every thought and action? That when their lives began, so did mine?
Will they know how the tears fell as I wrote this, just because?
Will they know?
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. ~Sophia Loren